SCARY TOASTERS

Because of my current and disturbing living situation, I went on Amazon to search for a simple, two-slice toaster. Appalled is the best description of my reaction as I scrolled through page after page of toaster options. Choice is a nice thing, but there is a point at which choice surpasses any definition of conspicuous consumption and in my humble view approaches near-criminal waste of resources, producing and offering items of such lame and limited value that I now just want to toast my bread with a fork and a Bic lighter. Allow me to digress briefly: I have a perfectly lovely toaster. I have no idea how to get to it. Along with my printer, my crock pot, some favorite undies and my iron, it is ‘lost’ in the secret and forbidden realm of my huge storage unit that holds all my favorite worldly goods except for the few items I have with me as I ‘camp out’ in my former home. I promise, once I again have adequate housing, I will continue to make use of any items I have been circumstantially forced to acquire and if they prove unnecessary, I will re-home them. Allow me to once again go on record that I am all for minimalizing my accoutrements and simplifying my life… at least to a point that still maximizes my physical comfort and ability to work and function effectively. Anyway, I know, from personal experience and years of observation, just exactly what TOO MUCH looks like. In this case, before I could stand it no longer, I scrolled through fifty-one pages of toaster offerings at twenty-four toasters per page. I counted 197 items that were simply ‘toaster related’ such as toast tongs, toaster covers, pans for toaster ovens, etc. Leaving a grand total of one-thousand-twenty-seven toasters and toaster ovens offered. Granted there were duplications. Yet, did you know that you can spend anywhere between $18.00 and $900.00 for a toaster. Not only are there two and four-slice toasters, but there are conveyer toasters, bagel toasters (some are floor models I mean they are the size of a stove and stand on the floor) and there are some that scorch the imprint of Hello Kitty, Jesus Christ, and your favorite football team logo onto your bread. I said to myself, “damn! They’ve got toasters for everything. Someday they will make a toaster that sings to you and pours your coffee too, heh heh” Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, but they already do! There are toasters with built-in radios. There are toasters that cook your hot dogs, toasters that cook your eggs and toasters that actually combine a coffee maker into their make-up. All I want is a couple slices of ordinary dark toast without being yelled at for changing the toaster setting from 2 to 7 and a congenial living situation. So, having given up, I really cannot tell you what the bottom line is as far as toaster offerings goes, but I feel, somehow, deep inside where my values and discretion keep each other company, that 1097 types of toasters including designer toast and designer toasters is really a bit much. I’m afraid to do a search for hand mixers. I gave my big counter-top Kitchen Aid to my sister who bakes a lot and with a sore wrist, I think I need one of those old hand mixers. Wish me luck.